I remember a time when I was going through my divorce, working full time as a Medical Practice Manager, and pushing myself really hard to address many childhood trauma issues with my therapist when I got to the point where I wasn't able to forge on any longer. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually depleted. I recall praying and pleading to be strong enough to work through ALL of this, since I had a very clear idea of what being “strong” looked like.
However, you can call it the flu, exhaustion, or Spirit’s answer to my prayers, I spent the next three days at home on the floor in my living room. Never changing out of my pajamas and unable to go on with my usual day to day life. My life came to a screeching halt and the world as I knew it, stopped. It was like my life was a snow globe that someone had shaken up and I was trapped on the inside of the globe, simply as an observer.
All of my old tapes played in the background as I laid on the dingy, out-dated carpet of my interim apartment looking out of the sliding glass window. Outside the orangish red and yellow leaves blew by effortlessly in the breeze. Stillness took over and I was left in a catatonic dreamlike state. I remember being concerned at first and then laughing to myself, at the irony of asking for a new perspective and this being the one that showed up.
Initially, I fought it. Telling myself you have to get to work, you have to do this thing or that yet my body was simply not responsive.
After a short while, a beloved spiritual teacher of mine came to me in a vision and told me to “Stay down”. I was confused, inherently stubborn, and argued with him that I needed to do all the things on my list for the day. Even struggling to get up to show my determination.
His kind eyes and loving smile washed over me. “Stay down”, he repeated. Showing me a boxing ring. “You don’t have to always fight so hard. The answers are right here.”
Time simply did not exist as I cried, slept, and prayed for hours upon hours. Wondering what I was doing with my life and questioning what kind of future I wanted for myself. I felt like I was being lovingly rocked and held in a weird time warp of unraveling, as images, experiences, and old scenarios flashed through my consciousness.
A familiar voice started talking to me. It was faint yet determined! It kept asking me, "Who are you?" Talking about joy, love, laughter, and happiness. Showing me, one by one, all the barricades I had put up to protect myself from ever being hurt again. Returning me to my childhood when the air was invigorating, the smells delighted me, and the small things meant the most. Small things like splashing in rain puddles during a thunderstorm, twirling in the grocery store while listening to snappy music, and singing my heart out while dancing through the woods and pretending I owned the forest.
After journeying through this beautiful time of rediscovery, I realized the voice I was hearing was my inner child channeling my heart's desires. Showing me how to simply BE once again. She began pleading with me to stop and to redirect my life, NOW. Reminding me of my own Divinity, my soul's essence, and that most of my life had already been lived. Asking me, "What if you died tomorrow?"....
A HEAVY sense of mortality settled into my heart. I began scrambling for answers and ways to justify how so many years could have been lost to conformity, autopilot, and complacency. An unconscious state of sleep walking through life had unintentionally occurred. I began to identify all of the things that needed to change in my life to be able to live with intention, with integrity to myself, and a deeper sense of self love.
I began dreaming of a new way of being and in that moment decided that I would not die with the music left in me. This was a huge turning point in my life. I had no idea of how, when, or why things would manifest but only that my life was now headed in a totally new direction. I asked for help from Creator which I knew I was already receiving and cried tears of gratitude as I drifted off to sleep. My mind was racing and Spirit comforted me in these moments, of being here but not here, by telling me to say YES to the opportunities that were coming and to courageously dare to be more in this lifetime.
I woke up later that afternoon able to fully function, once again, like a light had been reignited inside of me and hope now radiated from my soul. The possibilities seemed limitless and my path appeared to be much clearer for me to follow. I look back now with a smile in my heart, recognizing the true strength that is needed to "Stay Down' or to surrender.
It takes courage to listen and to reconnect with one's own heart. I've found that strength comes in many forms and sometimes most powerfully when you surrender and simply allow yourself to be held in grace. May you find the joys of knowing strength through your own surrender.
In Joy and Gratitude
Jen Martin is a Mom, Medium and Movement Person. She uses her intuitive abilities and training in yoga, prenatal yoga, meditation, and business to help others appreciate and help themselves. If you have kids, like hearing from loved ones in spirit or enjoy taking heart-centered yoga and meditation classes, check out Jen's blogs.