In these situations, people want to know, "Are they OK." From what I have experienced, loved ones in spirit are good, because they are light and energy and not tied to a physical or emotional body of pain and suffering. However, these same spirits usually seem concerned about the loved ones they have left behind and the pain, loss and confusion their decision may have caused.
Another question is often, "Why?" This is harder to answer, for each person is different. For some, it wasn't really intended (they didn't think it would really work or end up the way it did), for others, there didn't seem to be a better solution for ending what was overwhelming to them. Some people like to say, "It isn't a decision, it is a disorder." I don't know if I always understand that statement, BUT I do know the trauma and internal drama are REAL. I remember the pain and noise in my head for a son I brought through. I felt distraught and desperate (again, not in spirit, but their experience from when they were alive), and could not imagine having to deal with that every day.
So, knowing this, and the fact that I cannot change what has already happened, I wanted to write to inspire and comfort those who are still here, but may be struggling RIGHT NOW.
I am not a therapist, but I do know a lot of good ones, :) because I have had my own challenges in the past. My life isn't a fairytale, but in many of my darkest hours, I had the privilege of still intrinsically KNOWING, that I was loved by the creator. That was and continues to be my greatest comfort and floatation device in a sea of uncertainty.
I know I have been CREATED. I have come forth to LIVE and DIE, and both are happening simultaneously.
Isn't that amazing?! I, like every single person alive, am meant to experience all facets and nuances of living and dying. In order to do that, though, I MUST allow myself to be open to ALL the experiences along the way. Challenges and loss and disappointment and questions are landmarks along the road of my life, BUT they are not permanent addresses. I do not need to live in a place of continual suffering. Most times, I can choose to move on or go back, but I could also choose to say, "That is enough. I am done." That is the beauty of my free will.
However, part of having my free will is also knowing when I might need help, AND ASKING for it…through therapy or medication, a ritual, a support group, and/or prayers. Growing up, when my mom would tell me she wished I had never been born, or would blame me for problems she was having, I could easily have chosen to turn to abuse or alcohol. These solutions certainly seemed to be some of the most popular remedies in my household.
I didn’t though…and I don’t say this to judge others. I say it to remind myself of the POWER of my choices and my path. I can only decide for me, myself and I. No one else...and that is really hard to swallow--especially, if you have a loved one who is struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts or other serious disorders.
YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOU.
No matter what I am facing, I always know that I have choices and options. Every single moment is filled with limitless possibilities. Sometimes, though, people can have a disorder and they can be so down or so high, they can’t see past those emotions and thoughts. This can happen, and choice may not seem relevant. I get it. Once again, it may be necessary to get different medication, change your diet, add in more exercise, see a new therapist, etc…
For me, I thank my lucky stars that I was too stubborn to give in. I refused to be anything like my mother, PLUS I had the encouragement and love from my grandparents, and the solace of singing in church, talking to the stars and escaping to safe spaces through reading. All of these things were like beacons of shimmering light in the darkness and they shone their light so I could see a different path and outcome.
I encourage EVERYONE to pause and look around. Please REALLY see your life—not the circumstances, the disorders and disabilities, but the miracle of YOU living and breathing. Know that you are on a path of dying every day so why not savor and taste, swirl the magical goodness of all the flavors LIFE is giving you around in your primordial belly and CHOOSE to live WHILE you are dying.
Do not choose to die faster, because you are THE ONLY YOU walking your path, and wouldn’t it be a shame to never explore and discover the gnarly woods of darkness and light, the pristine lakes of purity and deep depths, and the mountains of stolen breaths and blinking eyes of wonder?
I think this is one of the reasons why I am SO passionate about creating safe spaces for people to do their work and find themselves…places where you can break down and fall apart and know that the sacred mother of this earth will hold you and love the pieces of you back together.
I practice being present and seeing people, thanking them, acknowledging them and accepting them where they are as divinely perfect yet humanly flawed individuals. I don’t always get it right. I can be rude and impatient and short-tempered. I have bad days, but I make amends and apologize, and always seem to come back to this space of gratitude.
I am so grateful for my life, for the lessons, for the people and teachers, for the awe and wonder, and for so many things that seem small and inconsequential—like the plump, purple grapes dangling from twisted branches overhead when I walk on the path to The Soul Source, the small gray and golden feather I found floating in a pool of rain water, the enchanted and excited laughter of my kids playing the new version of “Mindcrap,” and the wobbly smile and wagging tail of my 13 year old baby when she is prancing around under the apple tree or sniffing the compost pile.
These are tiny precious gems from my everyday life that I cherish, and they remind me to CHOOSE to live. To get help, when I need it, to cry when I can’t be strong anymore, to laugh at how long I waited to cry, to sink into a place of just breathing and being when I am done with everything, and then to wait until something changes again. I
I know I am not YOU. However, I do also know that everyone, in one small moment or another will think, “Maybe nobody would care if I was gone. What would it matter if I wasn’t here anymore? What good am I?” I have thought this, and knowing that I had this thought when I was younger, makes me aware that others may have had similar thoughts and/or may still be thinking this. I am not in charge of their thoughts and feelings, but I can offer to help by being a kind and loving human being. I can make time to listen to others, to say hello, to drop someone a note of thanks, to cook a meal or volunteer as a Big Sister. We ALL can help.
I send out so much LOVE, STRENGTH and SUPPORT for anyone who may be having suicidal thoughts or questioning their meaning and existence. I want to tell you, in case someone else hasn’t told you already, “YOU MATTER. You are loved and needed. You are a beautiful soul filled with divine light. Please share yourself with the world.” I hope you can receive this message and take it in and then give it out to someone else who may need to hear the same thing, and if you can, I hope you choose to live.
Blessings and love,